Unitarian Jihadist Column

Lest we forget the humor, and the analysis.  UU Wikipedia has a nice summary of links and stories.  Original column by Jon Carroll of SF to follow.

The following is the first communique from a group calling itself
Unitarian Jihad. It was sent to me at The Chronicle via an anonymous spam
remailer. I have no idea whether other news organizations have received this
communique, and, if so, why they have not chosen to print it. Perhaps they
fear starting a panic. I feel strongly that the truth, no matter how alarming,
trivial or disgusting, must always be told. I am pleased to report that the
words below are at least not disgusting:

Greetings to the Imprisoned Citizens of the United States. We are
Unitarian Jihad. There is only God, unless there is more than one God. The
vote of our God subcommittee is 10-8 in favor of one God, with two abstentions.
Brother Flaming Sword of Moderation noted the possibility of there being no
God at all, and his objection was noted with love by the secretary.

Greetings to the Imprisoned Citizens of the United States! Too long has
your attention been waylaid by the bright baubles of extremist thought. Too
long have fundamentalist yahoos of all religions (except Buddhism  —  14-5
vote, no abstentions, fundamentalism subcommittee) made your head hurt. Too
long have you been buffeted by angry people who think that God talks to them.
You have a right to your moderation! You have the power to be calm! We will
use the IED of truth to explode the SUV of dogmatic expression!

People of the United States, why is everyone yelling at you??? Whatever
happened to … you know, everything? Why is the news dominated by nutballs
saying that the Ten Commandments have to be tattooed inside the eyelids of
every American, or that Allah has told them to kill Americans in order to rid
the world of Satan, or that Yahweh has instructed them to go live wherever
they feel like, or that Shiva thinks bombing mosques is a great idea? Sister
Immaculate Dagger of Peace notes for the record that we mean no disrespect to
Jews, Muslims, Christians or Hindus. Referred back to the committee of the
whole for further discussion.

We are Unitarian Jihad. We are everywhere. We have not been born again,
nor have we sworn a blood oath. We do not think that God cares what we read,
what we eat or whom we sleep with. Brother Neutron Bomb of Serenity notes for
the record that he does not have a moral code but is nevertheless a good
person, and Unexalted Leader Garrote of Forgiveness stipulates that Brother
Neutron Bomb of Serenity is a good person, and this is to be reflected in the

Beware! Unless you people shut up and begin acting like grown-ups with
brains enough to understand the difference between political belief and
personal faith, the Unitarian Jihad will begin a series of terrorist-like
actions. We will take over television studios, kidnap so-called commentators
and broadcast calm, well-reasoned discussions of the issues of the day. We
will not try for "balance" by hiring fruitcakes; we will try for balance by
hiring non-ideologues who have carefully thought through the issues.

We are Unitarian Jihad. We will appear in public places and require
people to shake hands with each other. (Sister Hand Grenade of Love suggested
that we institute a terror regime of mandatory hugging, but her motion was not
formally introduced because of lack of a quorum.) We will require all
lobbyists, spokesmen and campaign managers to dress like trout in public.
Televangelists will be forced to take jobs as Xerox repair specialists.
Demagogues of all stripes will be required to read Proust out loud in prisons.

We are Unitarian Jihad, and our motto is: "Sincerity is not enough." We
have heard from enough sincere people to last a lifetime already. Just because
you believe it’s true doesn’t make it true. Just because your motives are pure
doesn’t mean you are not doing harm. Get a dog, or comfort someone in a
nursing home, or just feed the birds in the park. Play basketball. Lighten up.
The world is not out to get you, except in the sense that the world is out to
get everyone.

Brother Gatling Gun of Patience notes that he’s pretty sure the world is
out to get him because everyone laughs when he says he is a Unitarian. There
were murmurs of assent around the room, and someone suggested that we buy some
Congress members and really stick it to the Baptists. But this was deemed
against Revolutionary Principles, and Brother Gatling Gun of Patience was
remanded to the Sunday Flowers and Banners committee.

People of the United States! We are Unitarian Jihad! We can strike
without warning. Pockets of reasonableness and harmony will appear as if from
nowhere! Nice people will run the government again! There will be coffee and
cookies in the Gandhi Room after the revolution.

Startling new underground group spreads lack of panic! Citizens declare
themselves "relatively unafraid" of threats of undeclared rationality. People
can still go to France, terrorist leader says.

Michael row the boat ashore, and then get some of the local kids to pull the boat onto the dock, and come visit with jcarroll@sfchronicle.com.


2 responses to “Unitarian Jihadist Column

  1. Herewith an official U*U Jihad® communiqu-eh from The Dagger of Sweet Reason –

    Rev. David O. Rankin Is Promoted to Grand Admiral of the U*U Jihad Navy and Fires A Damaging Broadside At A UU Ship of Fools!

    We believe in the freedom of religious expression. All individuals should be encouraged to develop their own personal theology, and to present openly their religious opinions without fear of censure or reprisal.

    We believe in the toleration of religious ideas. All religions, in every age and culture, possess not only an intrinsic merit, but also a potential value for those who have learned the art of listening.

    We believe in the authority of reason and conscience. The ultimate arbiter in religion is not a church, or a document, or an official, but the personal choice and decision of the individual.

    We believe in the never-ending search for Truth. If the mind and heart are truly free and open, the revelations which appear to the human spirit are infinitely numerous, eternally fruitful, and wondrously exciting.

    We believe in the unity of experience. There is no fundamental conflict between faith and knowledge, religion and the world, the sacred and the secular, since they all have their source in the same reality.

    We believe in the worth and dignity of each human being. All people on earth have an equal claim to life, liberty and justiceand no idea, ideal or philosophy is superior to a single human life.

    We believe in the ethical application of religion. Good works are the natural product of a good faith, the evidence of an inner grace that finds completion in social and community involvement.

    We believe in the motive force of love. The governing principle in human relationships is the principle of love, which always seeks the welfare of others and never seeks to hurt or destroy.

    We believe in the necessity of the democratic process. Records are open to scrutiny, elections are open to members and ideas are open to criticismso that people might govern themselves.

    We believe in the importance of a religious community. The validation of experience requires the confirmation of peers, who provide a critical platform along with a network of mutual support.

    Rev. David Rankin

    Google and The Emerson Avenger strike again!

    Have UUs not heard?


    Allah prochaine,

    The Dagger of Sweet Reason


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